just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
