my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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