bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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