Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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