Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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