just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
