is your mom at the bar?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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