if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
