i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
