he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
