yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
