Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
