we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
