I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
