that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
