I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
