We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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