I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
