Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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