Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
