if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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