i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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