You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
