What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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