So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
