Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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