you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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