If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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