Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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