i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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