i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
