i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
