Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
