he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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