hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
