there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
