No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
