if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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