i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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