can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
