Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
