Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
