Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
