tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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