I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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