no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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