I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
