Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
