to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i now understand why vodka
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
