You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
