he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
God I need to hump something, right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
