I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
